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Here are some articles from National Lampoon written by da Gilbert himself.
WARNING! This being from National Lampoon, some stuff here is not suitable for young children or complete wusses. The maker of this website is not responsible if you go on a murderous rampage,drop out of school or otherwise ruin your life by reading this. In fact,if you do any of these things, the maker of this website acknowledges that you are a complete moron who had it coming. Some materials may be flammable.Young children or complete wusses should avert thy virgin eyes now.
Here we go...
GILBERT GOTTFRIED's THINGS THEY WON'T YOU DO
1. Look at naked pictures of Bonnie Franklin.
2. Own albums of Paul Revere and the Raiders not featuring Mark Lindsay.
3. Reveal the lyric in Car 54, Where Are You? You know, the one that comes right before "Khrushchev's due at Idlewild."
4. Question the meaning of the term "state of the art."
5. Watch bums blow their noses.
6. Talk dirty to your plants.
7. Scratch the small area of skin that separates the genitalia from the anus.
8. Thank God your Sunday newspaper no longer runs Dondi.
9. French-kiss a nun.
10. Be stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis blues again.
11. Say; "Let's have lunch."
12. Make jokes about people who say "Let's have lunch."
13. Fold, spindle, or mutilate.
14. Write a situation comedy about a single mother and her three precocious kids.
15. Write a situation comedy about a single mother and her three precocious kids who scratch the small area of skin that separates the genitalia from the anus.
16. Make money in your spare time.
17. Lose weight while you sleep.
18. Feed a family in India for ten cents a month.
19. Call women girls, dames, broads, or chicks. You can call women "twats" and "red snappers."
20. Return unused portion for full refund.
21. Stay on the line for further information.
22. Eat a cereal that provides all the recommended daily vitamins and minerals.
23. Fart in the bathtub.
24. Fart in the bathtub and count the bubbles
25. Fart in the bathtub and bite the bubbles.
26. Write your phone number using the European
27. Dress up like Santa Claus, climb down a chimney; hack up the whole family and eat their entrails.
28. Tighten up your tummy in just ten days.
29. Slam-dance with a leper.
30. Dry-clean only
31. Fondle chicken breasts.
32. Shtup a rump roast.
33. Sit back and light up a butt.
34. Sit back, light up a butt, and hold it between your lips.
35. Name all the albums of Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.
36. Whistle while you work.
37. Order frog's legs and yell, "Spread em!" .
38. Go to a butcher and ask for tongue.
39. Go to a butcher and plead for tongue.
40. Get laid at the Bates Motel.
41. Read the phone book and underline the dirty parts.
42. Pick pubic hairs out of a bar of soap.
43. Stick pubic hairs into a bar of soap.
44. Sell your goldfish into white slavery.
45. Go up to a woman pushing a baby stroller and offer her money for her kid's Pampers.
46. Stand in the supermarket all day and giggle when women buy Tampax.
47. Eat oatmeal in a lewd manner.
48. Lick a problem.
49. Blow a chance.
50. Come into money
GILBERT GOTTFRIED : ASSORTED THINGS
Okay, let's start. I'm mad as hell at the following:
1. Alan Alda for calling himself a feminist. It makes me puke. I'd gain
tremendous respect for him if he called himself a faggot.
2. Women who take offense at terms like dame, girl, broad, or chick. The other day I was at a party and I saw Gloria Steinem.
I asked her, "What do you like to be called - Miss, Mrs., or Ms.?"
" I don't know,she giggled. "Just call me cunt" We've been
dating ever since. Which reminds me of a wonderful, charming old
story by Dostoyevsky: A blind man is walking down the street. He
passes the Fulton Fish Market and yells, "Hello, girls!"
3. The Amish. That's right, the Amish - who do they think they are? They
don't drink, fornicate, or use the phone. Sure they don't use the
phone. What would they say to each other. "Gee, my beard looks
f#cking great!" or 'Let's get together and not drink and not get
laid!" So f#ck the Amish! There, I said it and I'm glad.
4. People who talk to me knowing full well they have a big whitehead
on the tip of their nose.
5. People who talk to me knowing full well I have a big whitehead
on the tip of my nose.
6. People who talk to me.
7. Anybody involved in the making of The Big Chill.
Gilbert Gottfried was a regular on Saturday Night Live and
Thicke of the Night and has just completed the movie Bad Medicine.
GILBERT GOTTFRIED's HOW NOT TO GET LAID
SPARE A MINUTE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE?
A few years ago I guess I was like most guys. I'd meet a young lady, exchange pleasantries, and two seconds later I'd be up at her place driving the old skin bus into tuna town.
Sound familiar? Well, that used to be me. It seemed I couldn't even pass a woman in the street without getting snatch. No matter where I went or what I did, it was always the same - women would fall to their knees begging for my bush beast.
But now I'm happy to say I've changed all that! Now I don't get laid by fifty sixty sometimes a hundred women a night! Sound too good to be true? Impossible, you say? Well, it's not! You see, through years of trial and error, I've discovered a method. A method so foolproof that you won't even be able to get flicked in prison!
Interested? Well, it's all in my new book:
CURIOUS? LET ME EXPLAIN!
I can hear your questions already:
"Can anybody learn how not to get laid?"
Yes!
"I bet you have to be ugly right? Like one of those disgusting wrinkled Chinese dogs, the kind that all the god-damn yuppies own. Right?"
Why, no. I've taught several very handsome men how not to get laid!
"Can Jewish men not get laid?"
Don't be redundant.
"Sorry"
That's okay go ahead.
"I'm ready to learn. What's the first thing to do?"
Find a girlfriend.
"A girlfriend?"
No, not a girlfriend. A girl (pause) friend!
"What's that?"
That's when you and a girl are "just friends." It's a perfect way not to get laid!
"That sounds great! How do I do it?"
Simple. Just order my book and I'll show you how to become a guy who's easy to talk to. The kind of guy who makes a girl say: "You're not
like the jerks meet lean talk to you." Or: "Guess what! Someone asked me if you and I were going out! (Chuckle, chuckle, tee-hee.) Let's never have sex and ruin our friendship."
"That's terrific. What else should I do?"
Make a girl like you! Remember, every guy a girl ever went out with was an "asshole," so make a girl like you. Once a girl likes you, she'll never fuck you!
"Okay; now I've got a girl (pause) friend. What else can I do to make them not touch me?"
Find a great opening line! I've given you plenty of them in my new book, Gilbert Gottfried's How Not To Get Laid
"Like what?"
Well, next time you're at a bar, walk
up to a girl and say: "Hey, lady, you wanna see me piss' blood?" Or "Damn it, I thought penicillin was a wonder drug"
"That sounds pretty farfetched"
It's not, it works. I guarantee it. I'll even teach you the newest techniques that will ensure your not getting laid
"Like what?"
Dating a dyke.
"But that's cheating!"
Well, I beg to differ. We live in a society where every so-called straight woman is desperate for a male. Why, you can't leave the house without hordes of Sex crazed females trying to rip off your knickers and get at your two inches of burning-hot lead! Come on, guys. Desperate times call for desperate measures! So,
date a dyke.
"But where can you find them?"
There are several places- Women Against Porn meetings, for example. Or look for any girl reading a book with a title like A Collection of Literature by Contemporary Women Authors. I'll also show you how to meet other guys who never get laid. It's easy! Just go to places like:
1) Star Trek conventions
2) The lobbies of Star Trek
conventions
3) Anywhere within a ten block radius of a Star Trek conventions
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Hi, I'm Gilbert Gottfried, the author of How Not to Get Laid. Remember, getting laid is the coward's life. Be brave! Just remember my motto, ? do you think they call it pussy?" You have my persona1 guarantee: Follow my book and never again will you steer your steamboat willie into
the hair aquarium.
DON'T DELAY! ORDER TODAY!
Hi! I'm Gilbert Gottfried. (Yes, yes, MTV, David Letterman. Oh, please, no more compliments I only have two pages. Gee, thanks, that?weet, but??Let?et on with the article. Well it?appened to all of us (well, maybe not me, but to several close friends of mine). You're lying in bed with a willing young lady and, you know??at's right, the harder you try, the softer it gets. You just can't get Captain Thicker to stand at attention. Well you can't use tired old chestnuts like it's never happened to me before" or "Sorry, it always happens when I'm drunk??o now I'd like to present...
GILBERT GOTTFRIED'S FIFTY OR SO, GIVE OR TAKE ONE OR TWO,
THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOU CAN?CHIEVE AN ERECTION.
1) "Why, nothing, what do you mean, is something wrong?"
2) "I'm sorry, but you think they could have given at least one award to The
Color Purple."
3) "Explain that again. My WHAT is supposed to do WHAT?"
4) "Must we talk about it NOW?!"
5) "I hate doing anything that might make you happy."
6) "I'm sorry, I can't stop thinking about Allen and Rossi.
7) "No speaka dee English."
8) "Stop looking at me! I can't do anything with you looking at me!"
9) "Why, oh, why did they take The Ropers off the air?"
10) "I love Norman Fell."
Ii) "Bahdgeez! We doan need no esteenking bahdgeez!"
12) "At my age, I can't stand the thought of any of my arteries hardening."
13) "I'm trying to think of a song performed by Dino, Desi, and Billy."
14) "You have no idea how big this thing gets!"
15) "Hard-on? Who said anything about a HARD-ON?!"
16) "I refuse to do something that might be considered sexist."
17) "This is an omen!!!"
18) "Ignore me. This is just something I do to get attention."
19) "Goddamn Qaddafi!"
20) "I meddled in things man should leave alone."
21) "We can't use it. The safety seal has been broken."
22) "First the Hindenburg-NOW THIS!"
23) "Here's lookin' at you, kid."
24) "I just can't remember who directed Buck and the Preacher."
25) "Well, it's the thought that counts.
26) "Did I ever show you how I can bend my thumb backwards?"
27) "Don't worry, it's not you.
28) "Well, maybe it's you a little bit...."
29) "Yes, it's you...A LOT...a whole lot."
30) "You couldn't give a Great Dane a boner."
31) "You're very ugly."
32) "You're very ugly and you smell bad."
33) "You're very ugly, you smell bad, you're vile,
disgusting, subhuman, scaly, insipid, and stupid."
34) "It's not you, it's me.. okay?"
35) "I could get an erection. But I choose not to."
36) "I had many erections [dramatic pause] when I walked among the living."
37) "For God's sake, don't touch it. It's still moving!"
38) "This is all your fault. You planned it."
39) "I'm afraid I might hurt you."
40) "I'm afraid I might kill you."
41) "Now, now what's all this nonsense about hard-ons?"
42) "Whatever you do, don't panic!"
43) "I live two miles from a toxic-waste dump."
44) "Now that you know, I can't let you live."
45) "I'm an android. I'm waiting for new batteries."
46) "Excuse me, I'm having an out-of-body experience."
47) "You stupid earthling!"
48) "Boy, Hogan's Heroes was a funny show, wasn't it?"
49) "Just what was the difference between Trolls and Wishniks?"
50) "Were Trolls really any cuter than Smurfs?"
51) "God, I hate the Care Bears."
52) "Who did more work, Hanna or Barbera?"
53) "How many Bozos were there?"
54) "Amazing how Mr. Magoo climbed through a construction site each week without getting hurt."
55) "What nationality was Durward Kirby?"
56) "Well, heck, don't that jes' take it all?"
57) "Little enough to ride for free? Little enough to ride your knee!"
58) "Rosebud."
59) "It all started with that first experiment...."
60) "'Twas Beauty killed the Beast!"
61) "Whoops, there goes another rubber tree plant."
62) "The pump don't work 'cause the vandal took the handle."
63) "Do not talk to driver while bus is in motion."
64) "Don't be a fool. There's no escape!"
65) "This never happened to me before. It must be cause I'm drunk."
66) "Sorry"
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